Sunday, May 8, 2011

Where you gonna go?

I biophysics is not my thing. I guess someone just don't get it. That's why they are forcing me to take it. Eventhough me taking medicine is clearly indicating that I DONT LIKE PHYSICS!!!!

Ok dont get too emotional here.

I hate hating something. I really hate hating. But I have to really hate to hate hating something.

I'm not that experienced to tell stories. Yes born in a Baitul Muslim did make me lacking of some experiences. I was brought up in a different kind of environment and got different experiences, faced different difficulties etc.
But what you and I may have in common is our experience in da'wah. They may be new to you, but they have lived long enough with me to be my best companion. I've been into quite many phases. There are things I wish I never done. And I can see you are walking striaght to it.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence

You said, when you started to know deeper about Islam, about the obligation of dakwah, it's like waking up from a very long sleep. You started to be sensitive. Sensitive about everything! You know what I'm talking about? Those things that are always there but you just realized it recently. The whole planet came to exist in front of you.

Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?

You became determined. Determined to turn a new leaf. Your changes attract attentions of your family and friends. You began to wonder if they wonder whether you are still you, or have you turn into a different person.

I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

You're so afraid to move. You don't have enough guts to walk your talk. Your past is dragging you behind. You keep asking yourself, 'Am I good enough?' or 'What must I do now?' or 'What will my family think?'.
'There are a lot of people better than me' or 'I'm starting to judge people.'; Sometimes thoughts like this hits you.

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here

They said once you started to involve yourself in this, obstacles will come rushing in. But it never hits you before that, it's not your problem with other people that gave you the greatest 'tension'. But your fight with yourself is the most unbearable.

The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I don't know. But judging people is filthy. But we did it beyond your conciuos. And when you started to say 'something about a person for dakwah improvement', you got home and you felt bad about it. Not sure whether it was the right thing to say or not. Who am I to speak ill about a person. Pointing out other people's ugly sides makes you the ugliest.
But you chose to keep it to yourself. Too afraid someone will know how ugly you are.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?

That's not just it. You started to realized that you have done too much sins. You thought you're working for Allah. But the reality is you're becoming His enemy. How can you overlooked that?
Too many sins. It's just too much.
Can't shake them off.

It's difficult.

Like I said I biophysics is not my thing. I guess someone just don't get it.

I hate hating something. I really hate hating. Can you compare the feeling of hating yourself with anything?

Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

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